As you read this blog, I must warn that you will find, honest thoughts, ambitions, and hopes from my mind.
Now, as you know, I’ve been fairly ill over the past week, hence the absence of posts. As a result of the freezing cold weather, my deathly cold, the stress of work and pure exhaustion, I have become an emotional wreck. I am not afraid to admit this, as everybody has their days when everything just gets too much.
I had found little things over the past week upsetting me, and I discovered that I had to fight back tears on several occasions. I got a D in a practice RE exam, which hurt as my revision had clearly been a waste. I had constant rehearsals for Drama in which I struggled to really capture the essence of the character, which was made more difficult by how incredible the rest of my group had been at portraying their own characters – I desperately didn’t want to let them down. One friend of mine had received news about the possibility of her joining a modelling agency, and another had been accepted into a theatre company, and whilst I was incredibly happy and proud of them, I did feel a little jealousy. They have the chance to showcase their talents – how can I show mine? Do I even have one? I enjoy writing, but how can I even get noticed? I worked so hard on a competition in January but didn’t win, and I can’t find any volunteer work for under 18s to do with journalism. Seeing these friends advance in what they want to do with their lives made me realise how I haven’t made any progress in what I want to do in the future. How am I suppose to get noticed for writing? Am I even any good at it, or am I just kidding myself? These thoughts mixed with my D in RE and the stress of rehearsals just made me close to tears all the time until I finally cracked.
It was the night of the Drama performance, and I had left the stage, proud of my acting. Everyone in my group was praised hugely, but nobody even mentioned me. Yes, these people are fantastic actors and actresses, but it just hurt to feel like the spare part to the piece. I felt insignificant, and my cheeks flushed red as I wondered whether there was even any point in me getting up on that stage again for the actual exam if I was really that useless. I kept on a brave face, as I didn’t want people to praise me simply because I looked upset – I’d rather have no praise than false lies in pity. Returning to the house, I went to my room, called my mother, and promptly cried my eyes out.
I knew inside that this wasn’t just the performance upsetting me – it was just the icing on top of the cake of sadness that I had been slowly building up. I did feel bad crying down the phone to my mum – I can’t imagine how hard it was for her to have to listen to her daughter so upset and not being able to do anything to help. I felt guilty for unloading it all onto her, but I needed to tell somebody what had been troubling me and making my days miserable. The words poured out of me like they were ripped from my heart, and I sobbed hysterically. My mother eventually calmed me down enough for her to be able to make me laugh a little and her feel like she could let me go off the phone. I showered and scrubbed off my costume makeup that was all streaky from my tears and then returned to my room.
I set up a classic scene of pure self-pity and sadness. I got into my warm pyjamas, and turned off the main light so my little lamp was the only thing lighting the room. I curled up by the radiator, knees huddled to my chest as I leant back on a pillow. I played sad music on my phone, such as ‘Cry’ by James Blunt. And then I sobbed my heart out. I cried, and cried, and cried… And cried. I let all the anguish and stress from the past 7 months of A Levels pour out of my eyes, soaking my t-shirt. It felt so good to finally let go of that hard exterior and just shamelessly cry until there were no tears left. My eyes were red raw, my head hurt a little, but I was finally showing how much I had taken on, and realising that it’s ok to just break down sometimes.
It’s only ok to breakdown, though, if you’re prepared to try and pick yourself up again. Clicking ‘next’ repeatedly on my phone’s music player, I finally found a song that would make me build myself back up. ‘Beautiful’ by Christina Aguilera. What a song. I slowly released my knees from my chest, wiped my eyes and slid off of the bed. By the time the chorus was playing, I was on my feet, stamping on the ground, hands in the air and screaming, ‘I am beautiful, no matter what you say! Words can’t bring me down!’ at the top of my lungs. I pulled out my netbook and drama notes, and put my new found strength to good use by writing 2 whole Drama essays, which were awesome, if I do say so myself! I’d de-stressed, let out all my pain, and now I could get back to living my life.
I guess this post was intended to inform you, beautiful people of the Internet, that it’s ok to cry. It doesn’t mean your weak and pathetic – it shows you’re accepting how hard life can be and you can actually express your feelings instead of acting like a damn robot all the time. After you’ve cried all the troubles away, you will feel so much better. Don’t stay wallowing in self-pity forever – pick yourself back up from the ground and start to live your life again.
It is possible to deal with these problems alone, but it is made so much easier by friends and family who care telling you it’ll be all ok. My mother clearly helped me, and made me feel so supported. My friend Holly told me that I was an amazing person, and whether I believed it or not, it’s always so lovely to hear that from somebody. My friend Gareth provided me with an inspirational quote from Rocky Balboa that helped me so much, which I shall end this post with now:
‘Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!’
Well, my dear readers, I hope if you’re feeling low and stressed, that this post lets you know that it’s ok to cry, and encourages you to get back to living your life to the full. If you ever want support, I am always here to help if you comment or privately message me! Stay strong readers – life gets better, I promise. Much love to you all. Good night.